does anyone else ever get really stressed over assignments and know that you should be doing them but you feel like you physically can’t stop procrastinating and that just stresses you out even more or is that just me
a letter to myself:
So what, you called in sick to work, you shed a few fake tears, you skipped lunch with a friend to dust your coffee table and clean your sheets. So what. You aren’t the only person in the world who has taken a shower with plans to go out but end up changing your mind when you look in the mirror and think, “I’m tired. I want to sit here and write tonight.” Listen here, you aren’t the only person who enjoys a night sitting under christmas lights writing instead of going out.
You feel like the people who dial the wrong number and call you might actually have something to say. Like the time some lady in Ohio accidentally left a voicemail on your phone saying, “Happy Birthday, Trish. I hope God blesses you today.” Remember when you called that lady back and said, “I’m not Trish but you have no idea how much I needed to hear that.” You aren’t the calls that you ignore, you aren’t the calls that never came, the calls you stare at your phone waiting for. You aren’t somebody’s second choice, their “go to”, their “maybe in the future we can try.” Turn off your phone. Only listen to the voicemails left by accidental calls.
You are more than your favorite dress..the black one with the white polka dots. You are more than the body you try to hide, the cleavage you try to cover, the stretch marks on your hips from eating too much ice-cream that summer. You have no self confidence and I don’t know why. Maybe because people tell you all the time how beautiful you are and you are the only person in this god damn world that doesn’t see it. If you could see yourself smile I swear you’d believe it.
You spend too much time waiting for the future, thinking that when you get the degree, when the seasons change, when you get that promotion your life will begin. You stupid girl, you’ve wasted a year waiting for life to begin. You naive beautiful thing, you’ve wasted so many minutes dreaming about life that you haven’t given yourself a minute to open the front door, leave your house and fucking live it.
1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
4. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
5. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
6. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
7. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
8. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
9. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
10. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
11. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
13. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
14. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
15. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but “steal” some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.
No one stays for you.
Everybody stays depending on their need for you.
nothings worse than passing up an opportunity you know you would’ve enjoyed because of the fear of being judged